Who am I? That's an interesting question and a question I started asking myself about 9 years ago. Before I started asking questions I just believed it was normal to walk this earth feeling the way I did and acting the way I was. I had no self awareness and just walked around on autopilot perceiving the world based on how I felt about myself. Feelings of sadness, anger, worry, impatience, stress, incredible low self worth, you name it when it comes to negative feelings and emotions and I had it all going on, I even had the actions to back it all up. What I wasn't even aware of was that I had been living most of my life in a deep state of depression and extreme anxiety. I now truly believe that if I didn't start asking questions and start to clean my life up that by the age of 40 I would've been either in jail, chronically ill or dead.
I was born and raised in West Auckland, New Zealand, although I live in various cities around the world that will always be home to me. I didn't have the typical happy childhood and happy home life which for my generation of West Aucklanders it was almost considered normal. It was what I experienced as a young child that built my perception of how I saw myself, my level of self worth and self esteem and who I thought I was destined to be in this world. Don't get me wrong here I am in no way blaming anyone for my experiences as a child, I truly believe everyone here on this planet is doing the best they can with what they know and I have turned all my biggest wounds into my greatest gifts. That was no easy task but I am very passionate about personal growth and believe we can all change who we think we are and create our new realities.
School was not for me. I never felt comfortable being fit into that tiny little box of how we should be and how we should learn, it never seemed right to me. I still played by the rules though and turned up everyday. It was in my high school years that I found alcohol. Alcohol and I had a relationship for 18 years and that was my coping mechanism to be out in social situations. I would get drunk and put on a mask and hide the fact that I carried so much shame of who I was as a person. I left school with no idea who I was or wanted to do with my life other than binge drink every weekend and frequently get myself into trouble.
After quite a few dead end jobs I stumbled across a career in construction as a carpenter and I remember telling myself on the first day that I'll do this until I really know what it is that I want to do with my life. So even though I had no idea who I was and had no real ambition in life other than getting drunk on the weekends I still knew deep down there was something else that my soul wanted me to do in this life. In September of 2008 I received my qualification as a carpenter and soon after moved over to Melbourne, Australia.
Arriving to Melbourne I was at the peak of my alcohol problem constantly getting myself into trouble in the clubs and out on the streets. At that point it had almost become fun for me, I was good at causing a scene and it was clear that my 'demons' were taking over the show. A few months into my Melbourne life I met a beautiful young lady and we entered into a relationship. It was fun times at first and everything was going well until a switch turned over in my mind. It was when I truly started to love her that all the pain and misery I had carried my whole life started to amplify and present itself to me. I had no idea what was going on due to my lack of self awareness but why was it that now I love this woman I am in deep pain? The pain would usually rise when I was drunk and I would act it out time and time again, then the next day I would be sitting in my room either crying or in an even deeper state of depression and couldn't understand why I was feeling that way.
One fateful weekend I finally hit rock bottom and knew I had to do something about my life or life was not going to turn out so pretty. So I reached out and employed the help of a councillor which I went to see him for weekly sessions. It was through admitting my life was a mess and having the willingness to look at my past that I started to get some answers and awareness of who I am. The pain I was feeling when I started to love my girlfriend was actually fear of rejection and fear of abandonment and was traced back to my mother and father breaking up when I was 4 and never really getting to see or know my father after that. As a child I didn't understand what had happened and had no understanding of my feelings and emotions at that age so it all just sat inside me and created my perception which I carried into my adult life.
After a year of seeing the councillor it was time for me to try something else. That was when I sought out a healer and received my first spiritual healing. That absolutely changed everything and sent me on a new path in life, eventually my girlfriend and I would part ways and I stepped into a new world. The question of who am I started to reveal itself to me more and more as I continued down the rabbithole. I took to spirituality so easily and when I talk about spirituality I'm not talking about any form of organised religion I am talking about knowing I am a spirit in a human body and discovering who I am, how I relate to this Universe, a path to know the Self. A unique and individual path that I believe we are all capable of taking if we want to start asking questions. Very quickly into the path I started to gain self awareness, meet loads of new people and new doorways were opening up to me that I never even knew were possible. I started to travel the world by myself and having unexplainable experiences which were all guiding me more along my path.
By staying dedicated to the path and continually being honest with myself the old emotions and feelings that had kept me in depression and anxiety continually kept releasing and I was experiencing moments of true happiness. Melbourne was good to me and will always have a piece of my heart. It was in Melbourne rather new into my spiritual journey that I learnt and studied Theta healing which is an energetic healing modality and works to release old negative limiting beliefs from the subconscious mind. Theta Healing was a big part of my journey and helped me realise I am much much more than my thoughts and beliefs and showed me my first doorway to freedom.
After receiving my first spiritual healing I immediately knew it was my path to step up and help others out of their limitations and recognise their true nature but I stayed patient and just continued to work on myself and knew the time would come when I was ready to step up. I always stuck with the mantra "You can't help other people heal until you have healed yourself first". I witnessed way too many people trying to help others and giving way too much of themselves to other people when really they needed that energy for themselves. I always knew to fill my own cup first.
After 5 years in Melbourne I made the move back home to Auckland in 2013 I was a changed man. Everyone could see the changes I had made in my life and were happy for me. I stayed patient and just continued on my own healing journey and stepping up to any and all challenges that presented themselves to me. Knowing that all challenges that came at me were a chance for me to break down behaviour patterns and beliefs that no longer served me and embraced new positive ways of being. So in other words I will do the "work" on myself no matter what it is in order to continue growing. I'm passionate about personal growth and always will be. There is just so much reward to experience new parts of myself that were always there waiting for me when I let go of my old destructive patterns.
2016 was an interesting year for me. By continuing on my path and keeping the path as most importance to me I was presented with an opportunity to look at the root cause of the depression that had kept me in a particular state of being my whole life. What I found deep inside of me was a little child that was left in the dark feeling abandoned and rejected which represented what I experienced in my early years so essentially I was stuck in time. As I met this young child insIde of me and comforted him and cried for him I started to become more whole and feel differently. More of that happiness feeling started to come through and eventually with patience and unconditional love for myself and the child within me the black cloud hanging over my head (depression) magically disappeared. I had successfully cured depression and again my life took another course. From then on life started speeding up, new opportunities, new friends, new energies inside my body, new everything..
Today I can happily say I am super proud of myself and I am happy with who I am and what I have achieved so far. Along this whole journey I maintained my cheeky sense of humour and often have a laugh at myself, life doesn't have to be so serious all the time and I embrace the good times and the bad. It is by embracing the bad times and seeing them as opportunities to grow beyond what I thought was possible that I now live a life of freedom. I currently live in Ubud, Bali and could not be any happier with how I spend my days. The patience of continually working on myself paid off and now days I am helping other people break free from old patterns and limiting beliefs by being there for them and helping guide them through their own process to freedom.
What you see is what you get when it comes to me. Honesty is one of my greatest virtues and I have no problem sharing my past experiences in order to help and inspire other people. I want to see this world a better place for the generations to come and I truly believe that mass change on this planet starts with the individual.