Hugging the toilet


As I sat on my knees in what I would consider a very clean and hygienic bathroom for Indian standards, I didn’t care that my knees usually hurt when I kneel on solid tile due to all those years thrashing my body as a carpenter on construction sites. I didn’t care that I was in a very sacred yoga studio which overlooks the very magical and mystical Ma Ganga river in the amazing little town of Laxman Juhla, Rishikesh. I didn’t care that I was in another country on holiday when most of my friends are back at home working and living their day in day out life routines. I didn’t care that I have such an amazing life full of freedom and truth that I’m so proud of. I didn’t care that I was sitting there on my knees while some Indian man wearing orange draped sheets as clothing who couldn’t speak a word of english was standing at the door watching me hugging the toilet crying my eyes out trying to cough up what I can only describe as a black ball of toxic negative energy that had been stored in my stomach region ever since I was a little boy when my father was still around.

I’ll rewind here a bit.

This is not the usual Indian toilet story where one gets horrendous food poisoning and vomits everywhere and shits themselves and spends a majority of their holiday trying to recover. Only to leave and go back home and spend the next six months trying to get their gut health right. No this is a different story which may tug on your heart strings or may get you thinking I’m some sort of deluded weirdo but either way I always share my truth no matter what others think of me. I believe it’s important to share our truth. And while this story is different it is also not a story of victimhood. I’m very careful when I speak my truth to make sure I’m coming from the right place. I spent a lot of my life in victimhood mostly without knowing I was a victim and acting like one True self empowerment came for me when I switched from being the victim to an empowered man, by owning my past and taking responsibility for my feelings for all the shit that happened back then. A big part of that was to stop blaming others for the way I feel and the way they treated me. So this is not a story of blame, this was my experience raw and unfiltered and this is my life.

I went to India to heal a bunch of insecurities and limitations within myself that were ready to be addressed. When I travel it’s for growth, I’m not a fan of sitting on beaches and sipping cocktails. My intention is powerful, when I put my mind to something I  always achieve it no matter what. I knew I would get what I was looking for in India but I didn’t know how it would play out or what it would look like.

Before going to India my higher guidance showed me visions of swimming in Ma Ganga river in Rishikesh everyday to heal and release this next layer of limitations. So that’s what I did. After the first 2 swims I got incredibly ill and was bedridden for about 5 days. I have never in my life sat on the toilet so many times within that amount of time. It was hard going and at one point I actually thought I was going to die. (And here’s me telling you at the start of this blog that it isn’t a story about the typical Indian sickness….) After day 3 a whole bunch of memories from when my father was around started to surface, with that came a lot of emotions that wanted to be expressed so I cried a lot but I also sat with my inner child so he could feel safe enough to share with me the horrific times he went through back then. I did believe then in India and still believe now that Ma Ganga put me through a spiritual cleanse to bring up the insecurities, limitations and self worth issues I intended to address while I was there.

Once I came right after 5 days I was guided to a yoga studio, to a particular daily Hatha class that my mind would usually say nah you’re not ready for that you need to go to a beginners class but I followed my heart and started going everyday. The teacher was a young man 20 years of age with a very clean vibe. I could tell that this man lived and breathed yoga, he is a man of integrity and only wants the best for his students. The first few days were fucking hard going as he really pushed us during the sessions and I haven’t really done too much yoga before. I tend to go every now and then but have never dedicated myself to a continuous practice but I stuck at it as that’s what I knew I needed to do as part of this letting go process.

So yoga and swimming in the river was my recipe to get to the bottom of these mysterious limitations. Yes…... that’s right as soon as physically possible I was back in that river cleansing myself. I trust that Ma Ganga was looking after me and I trust my guidance even more.

Every day I went deeper into myself and found that I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Even though it hurt I just stayed persistent and I wanted to know the real reason behind these insecurities. I came up against all sorts of resistance as I kept going further and further down into the underworld. There came a point though where I knew I couldn’t do this on my own…...

This yoga studio I was spending time at was owned and operated by a Swami (Indian yogic holy man). He was a short man with long hair who wore neat orange clothing, he looked rather well presented and was of a more stocky build which is rather uncommon for Indian men as most of the men I saw were quite skinny.  

There was a sign in the reception saying that he offered his services as a healer. The technique was called Emotional Blockage Therapy and had a list of ailments and disharmonies that he can help with. On that list was depression and opening up blocked chakras so I thought to myself I may as well give it a try. How amazing would that be getting a healing from a holy man right by one of the worlds most holy rivers…. So I booked in for the next day.

Yoga class had finished and I was smashed as usual, the teacher always pushed us to our limits while also keeping us safe and inspired. I came upstairs and met with Swami and he invited me into his healing room which had a beautiful view looking over the river. Swami’s apprentice was also in the room. A tall skinny man who couldn’t speak english wearing orange draped sheets as clothing. I could tell this man has a good heart. They had me sit down on the mats on the floor that were set out for the healing and the Swami took my wrist and read my pulse. As he looked at me I could feel that he could see more than just my physical self but I trusted him to be in my energy field. Swami told me that I had issues with my stomach which rang a bell in my head immediately.

It had been about a week before I went to this healing that a message from my guidance came through telling me that my stomach has never really worked properly that’s why I have always been rather skinny and not so physically strong. It has been like this since I was a child when my father was around tormenting me and picking on me and my mother, keeping us in a state of fear all for his own pleasure.

I don’t have too many memories of dad as he left when I was 4 and half but I do remember he would quite often tell me he was going to flush me down the toilet with vaseline all over me. I also have and probably always will have ingrained in my brain this noise that he would make as he would whip me with tea towels thinking it was funny but I would be crying and scarpering in mums arms… WHOOOPPISSSSHHH!  WHOOOPPISSSSHHH!

It still sends shock through my body whenever I think about it, even as I sit here writing this there is a scared little boy in me just wanting to be treated with love instead of being whipped with tea towels. My true feeling is that as a child living in the abusive household I shut my body down to protect myself the best way I could, to keep myself safe. Of course I carried this into my adult life and the shutting down of my body has manifested in various physical disharmonies including a stomach that has not worked properly for a good 30 years.

Before going to India I truly thought I had dealt with this shit with my dad and moved on. I had let him back into my life when I was about 28 and we have a decent relationship, which consists of us talking every 2 months or so with a couple of quick back and forth messages but I do slightly feel some love from him. He’ll never by my father that ship has sailed, he’s more so a friend or an acquaintance and I have accepted that a long time ago. But as I said coming to India I really wanted to know what these insecurities were about and this seemed to be what was coming up for me. The amount of times I have heard someone on the path of self development or spiritual path say… “I thought I had dealt with my father/mother stuff and then here it is again” and this was no different for me.

Ok I thought to myself as Swami gave me that diagnosis of a poor stomach, this guy is onto something and of course I trust my higher guidance. They had me lay down and start breathing in a particular way which was breathing in through my nose and the out breath was a very forced breath as if I was blowing out birthday candles. It sent me into a bit of an altered state. Swami’s apprentice in his orange draped sheets was to work on me today. He started at the soles of my feet and massaged them quite hard it was uncomfortable, then he started working his way up the back of my legs giving them almost like a deep tissue massage it was even more uncomfortable than my foot massage. While all of this is happening I am breathing in that funny way and dealing with resistance in my mind telling me that I’m not going to let go and to give up and blah blah blah.

The man in the orange draped sheets had worked his way past my ass which again was uncomfortable and was rubbing his thumbs and elbows up each side of my spine all the way up to my neck. Once he was done with the spine he then starts walking on me, walking all over my thighs, ass and lower back. He even carefully walked over my calf muscles. This actually didn’t feel so bad and was quite comforting.

Once finished with the walking he had me turn over onto my back so I was facing the ceiling. As I rolled over wondering what was next all of a sudden my body started shaking and convulsing and I had no control over it. Watching me would’ve been like seeing someone getting an exorcism. I wasn’t afraid though as I done a lot of energy work on my body and released all kinds of energies in the past.

Eventually after the supposed exorcism had been going for a few minutes the tears came. Even though I’m a big advocate for men crying, a part of me tried to hold them back as I was in the room with 2 men I don’t know, while my body is moving about in ways I would struggle to do consciously. Swami could sense my resistance and told me to let go…….. so I did and cried for quite some time. Oh it felt good to let the tears flow. I didn’t have any memories as to what the crying was about and I was ok that. These emotions have been stored up in me since childhood, it’s healthy to let them out.

As the tears came to a stop and my body had stopped looking like some other being was about to jump out my skin, the man in the orange draped sheets came over and gently sat down in front of my head. I was asked by Swami who had been leaving and entering the room throughout the whole healing session as if it was a casual lounge to start breathing again. Swami’s apprentice then started massaging the back of my neck and my face, again with quite a strong force but before he had even finished I had completely left my body, I was floating up around in some dimension where it was all light and peace and harmony. Absolute bliss.

When I finally came back down to earth and back into my body I was alone in the room and my body was buzzing. I could’ve laid there all day it was so peaceful. I had no idea how long I was laying there but I decided to get up, I was damn hungry.

Walking out the door and down the narrow hallway the first person I saw was Swami sitting in a seat in the reception. He watched me as I was kind of staggering down the hallway, he had so much love in his eyes. I sat down next to him, he grabbed my hand and asked me how I felt. I really didn’t have any words but I mumbled something out. Shortly after that I got up and walked off to Little Buddha cafe to get a well deserved first meal of the day.

I took it easy for the rest of that day but the next day I was straight back into my routine of yoga and swimming in Ma Ganga, getting to the bottom of these insecurities. The yoga was so powerful for me, each day I felt my body becoming more and more cleansed and magically the tightness in my body was easing up rather quickly.

It was about a week later during class I was doing the warrior pose standing there sweating my ass off and out of nowhere it’s like some sort of gateway opened up and these memories flooded into my mind. The memories and feelings were coming from my inner child who had been hiding in fear for so long. I won’t speak about the memories in this blog (in the future I will share for sure) but they were horrific and it all now made sense as I pieced everything together. It’s totally understandable why I would be walking around still to this day with certain self worth issues and parts of me feeling disempowered. The experiences that came to the surface had been carefully stored away by my mind so I didn’t have to feel that pain again, the only thing with that though is it never really goes away and this was dictating my reality from the unconscious realms. Dissociation is very serious shit.

It took me some time to really accept what came up and what really happened, in fact there were times where it felt so painful that I tried to send the experiences away back to where they were originally stored but that will never be the case. My guidance told me that I am now strong enough to face up to this and heal it. It was a challenging time and I started to feel unsafe even though I know how to physically protect myself I just didn’t quite know what to do.

Magically after finding those dissociated traumas the original insecurities and self worth stuff I came to India to heal was no longer taking a hold over me. They were just thoughts that I had believed to be true but I could now see them in front of me with my new pair of eyes. The thoughts were like silhouettes of ghosts I could see in my mind’s eye. They had nothing to feed off because the original traumas that they were clutching onto was now in my conscious mind. I remember sitting down by the river one day actually having conversations with these thoughtforms telling them that they now don’t have a hold over me and it’s time for them to leave. I even had compassion for them at one point. I spent the rest of my time in India watching them in my mind’s eye hanging out in my space but they had nothing to ‘eat’ and were literally starving. It was so interesting.

While all this was happening day after day I just continued with my routine. One day after yoga, Swami came up to me and asked where I had been and why I hadn’t come back for another healing session. It was like divine timing and I knew it was time to book in for another session. So again next day I was going through the same process with the skinny man with the orange draped sheets and the same results happened but this time I was starting to have memories of my father come up as I was crying. Mistreatment that really affected me as young boy and I had been carrying it with me my whole life. I finished that session and I had a deep gut feeling that I needed to come back 2 more times.

The third session was similar to the first 2, more tears about the mistreatment and more releasing of stored up anger. It happened as I turned over to lay on my back.

Things were getting easier day by day. The more I released the old emotions, the more the depression would fade away too. A few friends I had made in Rishikesh even complimented me on how well and healthy I looked which was a good gauge for me because the whole time I had been in that magical little town I just kept my head down and stuck to the game plan of my routine day in day out.

Now the fourth session went a little differently. Well at first it was the same procedure, Mr orange draped sheets was standing all over me after he had finished working his way up my body with his thumbs and elbows but this time as he told me to roll over I started coughing uncontrollably. In my minds eye I could see this horrible nasty black ball of energy stuck in my stomach, it was about the size of a tennis ball, all furry and disgusting.

The message that I got from my guidance in that moment was that this negative ball of energy came from my father when he was mistreating me as a child. Not only that, it was now becoming clear that most of my life I had felt suffocated by dad and that I was somehow stuck under him. This made sense as I‘ve spent most of my life putting other people above me thinking they were better and stronger than me. I was getting deep insight into my life and certain ways of being that had always bugged me, at the same time uncontrollably coughing. The coughing started turning into me wanting to vomit up that black ball of energy, so I got straight up and ran to that very clean and hygienic bathroom, dropped to my knees in front of the toilet, put my arms around the toilet and started bawling my eyes out, at the same time as I was crying I was trying to cough up this black ball of energy all the while there was the skinny Indian man in the orange draped sheets standing there in the doorway watching me.

Eventually I calmed down and returned to the healing bed and had a rest. I had the room to myself and my trusty guidance told me that even though I didn’t completely release the black ball of energy it would still come out in time, in a way that I can’t control or expect. I was ok with that. I was more stoked about all the insight I gained about how I had spent my whole life putting other people above me, thinking people were better than me. I knew that all that type of behaviour stops from that day on. I took my power back.

6 weeks later as I sit here in my beautiful quiet villa in the rice fields in Ubud, Bali. I feel more empowered than ever. Every single one of those insecurities I took with me to India are now gone. I have more freedom and more power and more inspiration than ever before, in fact I feel unstoppable and I know I am unbreakable. If I can survive a childhood like that then I can do anything I wish in this life. I choose to inspire and help other people who are struggling with depression and having a hard time in life to get out of that hole and love themselves.

We all deserve to be free.

Just to finish up. How about this for a story….. I went to a holistic health practitioner when I got back to Bali, she put me on this machine called Bioresonance which reads the vibration of the body and finds where there is dysfunction and disharmonies. The machine is completely backed up by science. As the doctor read out what was going on in my body she said that part of my stomach is not working so well and it has been like that for a very long time…………

Thank you guidance, you never let me down.